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im staring down the barrel of a new phase of life, in which theres no one beside me to hold my hand. ok, so its not a unique situation. but its where im at, and its the basis of the greatest challenges i face at the moment. accordingly, my behaviour is apt to change depending on where i am, what im doing, whos involved, how much pressure im feeling, and what has influenced me most recently. i say 'most recently', coz again, like most girls (and probably guys too) at my age, "im a million different people from one day to the next". and this is a place where that all comes out. well, what we choose to share with people, right? isnt that why were here? or is it? how much of what we think, feel, do, gets expressed here? and to what end? does it make us better people? does it make us feel better about the times in our lives when we feel alone? does being "connected" to other people by this means of "expression" make us feel less scared, less helpless?
as for me, most of what i write here ends up in the 'private' category, because i decided a while back that when i asked myself the above questions, i didnt like the answers. why pour my soul into an empty medium? which then gives rise to the new question: why do i still use this? the answer to that is that i use this as a tool. a place to type things that i want to keep somewhere slightly safer than just on my external drive. a place to be honest with myself. maybe if i were braver id publish it in a more public manner. but then there are complicating factors. arent there always complicating factors?
anyway, i dont know what im trying to do here other than to ask the question int the most public place i can think of, why the hell are you here? why the hell are you reading this? why the hell did you log into this sight and type whatever you last typed? what are you getting out of this? is it promoting change and growth in you as a person? and if/if not, do you care?
...actually, know what? never mind...

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